Okay, I'm going to use my post today as a bit of a brainstorming session. This is an excerpt from A Christmas to Remember, the novella I just sold to TWRP.
The chatter combined to create a hushed cacophony. One diner caught her eye.
The man sat alone. Was he waiting for someone or was he by himself like she wastoo? His dark hair looked tousled, as if he’d recently run his fingers through it. Or had liberal use of gel cultivated the casual disarray? From across the room she couldn’t tell. He sat tall and straight in his chair. She unconsciously shifted to adjust her own slouched posture. An ivory sweater complimented his tanned features. Either he lived some place warm or he’d already been out on the slopes. She imagined his eyes to be green or hazel.
His lips quirked and he raised his beer bottle in a toast.
She jerked her gaze away. Damn. Chagrin washed through her to have been caught staring. Her face heated with a blush that had nothing to do with the red wine she sipped.
I have the description in there, but it seems to be a little flat overall, and there's not a whole lot of plot going on. My editor's comments are this: "Can you get more emotion in this? Right now it’s kind of like a play by play. What sort of person does he look like? Many times when we view someone for the first time, we notice their looks but also think about what sort of person they are…Does she imagine anything sexual about him? With Champagne stories it’s okay to go a little deeper than your average description."
I agree with her. Any suggestions for spiffing up this scene?
Until next time,