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Having finally got to the end of 27 chapters, I put the whole thing together, and now I'm in the process of seeking out repeat words and phrases in the full ms. Yes, the ones we all use too much - I still have a list of about 20 words I need to check!
But here, as a sneak peek, is the start of the novel.
“A house in Ireland?” Jenna Sutton stared over the mahogany desk at the lawyer. “Someone I’ve never heard of has left me a house in Ireland?”
The grey-haired lawyer peered at her over his steel-rimmed spectacles. “A half share of the house, Ms. Sutton. Along with a half share of what, at current exchange rates, amounts to approximately fifty thousand pounds.”
Jenna shook her head and swiped several strands of her hair back behind her ear. “I don’t understand. Why would this Helena—what did you say her name was?”
“Miss Helena Keating.”
“Why has she left me a house and twenty-five thousand pounds? How does she even know about me?”
“Ms. Sutton, I can only give you the information passed to me by the law firm of Daniel McGrath in Dublin. We were instructed to find any descendants of James Oliver Sutton—”
“My grandfather.”
“Yes, and as far as we can ascertain, you are his sole descendant."
Here's my (draft) blurb for this story:
Will an old Irish house bring them together or drive them apart?
English actress Jenna Sutton and American artist Guy Sinclair first meet when they jointly inherit a house on the west coast of Ireland. Curious about their unknown benefactress and why they are both considered as 'family', they gradually work out their links to the original owners of the house. At the same time as they are unravelling a nineteenth century love story, they struggle against their mutual attraction to each other. The two lovers in the past were destined not to have a happy ending, and it seems the same thing will happen to their descendants - or will it?
My question to you - would the blurb and the first page make you want to know more? I'm not fishing for any compliments, but for your honest opinion. :-)
I love the opening. I would definitely read more...I want to find out why she's inherited this house!
ReplyDeleteThe word 'descendants' in the blurb makes me think the hero and heroine are related. I don't know why, but that's the first impression I got. And I thought, hmn, that's weird.
And I know it's just the blurb, but I'd like a little bit more about why the present day lovers might not have a happy ending. Is it because of the house? Is it because of secrets in their pasts? Just a little hint...
But all in all this sounds like it's going to be another wonderful story, Paula.
Thanks, Debra. I'll look again at the blurb and see if I can clarify it! Very useful suggestions - many thanks :-)
ReplyDeleteLove the opening to the story and I'd definitely read more. If I'm super critical of the blurb, I'd say it still needs a bit of work--more specificity to make it a bit easier to follow. But it still makes me want to read more.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jen. I agree the blurb needs more work. I need to decide how to expand it without giving away too much of the story!
ReplyDeleteOnce I've finished deleting a plethora of shrugs, raised eyebrows, intakes of breath, and frowns from the ms, I'll work again on the blurb. :-)
I've read this story twice now, Paula. I'm 'tainted' as a fresh eyes reader.
ReplyDeleteLove the.opening page and definitely want to read more.
ReplyDeleteThe blurb has me intrigued until the last line sentence when I become confused with the" two past lovers "who I presume were the present benefactors relatives or were they their past lovers.
Ana, you're more qualified to comment on the blurb, I think :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Sue. I need to work on the blurb now, to make it less confusing!
ReplyDeleteI think the question, "Will the old Irish house bring them together or drive them apart", would be better placed at the end instead of the beginning. I would also change it a bit to say what is it about that house that would tend to interfere with their growing love?
ReplyDeleteI agree with another commentor that using the word "decendants" gives the imprtession they are related.
Maybe introduce the real conflict that keeps them apart.
I almost forgot to say that I'm really into Irish stories of late and I really like this story premise. I wish you the very best.
ReplyDeleteSarah, many thanks for your suggestions. I definitely need to work on the blurb!
ReplyDeleteFirst re-write of the blurb - is this better?
ReplyDeleteEnglish actress Jenna Sutton and American artist Guy Sinclair first meet when they jointly inherit a house on the west coast of Ireland. Curious about their unknown benefactress and why they are both considered as 'family', they gradually work out some surprising links to the original owners of the house.
At the same time as they are unravelling a nineteenth century love story, they struggle against their mutual attraction to each other. Their lives and careers seem to be incompatible, especially when Jenna receives a dream-fulfilling offer and Guy gets an emergency request from his ex-fiancée.
The decisions they have to make about the old house and a Victorian portrait cause more friction between them, so will their Irish inheritance eventually drive them apart — or bring them together?
It's getting there. What about this--keep your first sentence and then:
ReplyDeleteCurious about their unknown benefactress and why they are both considered as "family," they discover surprising links to the original owners of the house while struggling against their mutual attraction to each other. When Jenna is offered X and Guy is asked to do Y, they will have to ...
Great, thanks Jen :-)
ReplyDeleteThe blurb is coming along nicely. I hope you don't mind, I worked a bit on it and here is what I came up with. BTW, I didn't know what the portrait was about, so that part may be inappropriate. anyway, here goes:
ReplyDeleteEnglish actress Jenna Sutton and American artist Guy Sinclair first meet when they jointly inherit a house on the west coast of Ireland. Curious about their mysterious benefactress and why they are both considered as 'family', they begin to discover some surprising links to the original owners of the house.
As they unravel a nineteenth century love story, they struggle against their mutual attraction to each other. When Jenna receives a dream-fulfilling offer and Guy gets an emergency request from his ex-fiancée, they realize how incompatible their lives and careers must be.
Friction builds between them over their decisions about the house and the Victorian portrait within it. Will their Irish inheritance eventually drive them apart — or bring them together?
Sarah, thank you so much. I've emailed you with my thanks, and I really appreciate your help. I love, love, love the second line of the second paragraph!
ReplyDeleteI like the little bit of hint about their conflict...that helps to pull me into the story.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure about the word 'struggle' for their attraction.
What about something like...
Their mutual attraction is immediate, but when Jenna receives...
Thanks, Debra. They both have reasons for not wanting to get involved in a relationship with anyone, even before the other events happen, so in that sense they do both struggle and fight their own feelings. Maybe I ought to add something like this to the blurb?
ReplyDelete